Hidden Ingredients to Success: Self-Compassion and Self-Acceptance
Many of us have heard of or received “tough love” from coaches, parents, teammates, or others that want us to succeed. It’s the adage of “you got to break them down to build them up.” But what happens when this becomes internalized? What happens when we become continually hard on ourselves? Oftentimes, I see this manifest as anxiety (“What will happen if I don’t succeed?”) and self-doubt (“I’m not good enough to be here.”).
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same understanding, care, and kindness that you would with a friend. Self-acceptance is the unconditional embrace of oneself. While seemingly “soft,” self-compassion and self-acceptance are keys to flipping the script and improving confidence, self-worth, and performance.
When I ask athletes how they would talk with a teammate that’s going through a hard time, many offer words of wisdom, encouragement, and kindness. But when I ask how they talk to themselves during a hard time, I hear anger, sadness, and criticism. I often hear that athletes don’t believe they are worthy of self-compassion and acceptance in difficult times. But the truth is that self-compassion and acceptance are not things that one has to earn. In fact, they are key ingredients to success in a journey that inevitably has both triumphs and tribulations.
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion was first operationalized, defined, and measured by Dr. Kristin Neff more than 20 years ago. She suggests that showing compassion to ourselves is like compassion that we show a friend going through a hard time. With our friends, we must first recognize that they are struggling. Then, we might feel compassion as we realize that their imperfection, failure, and suffering are parts of the shared human experience. When we realize this, we often respond to this friend with kindness, understanding, and warmth. Why, then, do we respond to our own hardships and failures with judgment and criticism? Self-compassion involves giving ourselves the same compassion we show a friend. It requires that we recognize our own frustrations and losses as part of human experience. Once we become more open to this idea, we become more compassionate with ourselves and others.
Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance is closely related to self-compassion as it involves acknowledging one’s reality and cultivating self-compassion. It requires us to accept the parts of ourselves that we cannot change, while having the courage to change what we can. Self-acceptance can strengthen relationships, reduce shame, and improve overall mental wellbeing.
Importance in Sport
Athletes tend to fear that self-compassion may decrease their motivation or that it will lead to mediocrity. On the contrary, research demonstrates that self-compassion helps athletes deal with adversity and improves well-being. In fact, athletes higher in self-compassion have been found to report more self-determined motivation and less external motivation. Additionally, lower levels of avoidance-focused coping were found with athletes that had higher levels of self-compassion (Röthlin et al., 2019). Similarly, self-acceptance has been found to be related to resilience and an increased peace of mind. By working towards self-acceptance, athletes can become more resilient to self-doubt and performance anxiety (Pelz, 2024).
How to Practice Self-Compassion and Acceptance
Use positive self-talk: Athletes should work to replace negative self-talk with positive, compassionate self-talk. Instead of saying “I played horribly today,” say “Today wasn’t my day and that’s okay. How can I improve tomorrow?” Changing negative, critical self-talk to one that’s more compassionate and positive will help athletes begin to challenge their inner critic.
Forgive mistakes: It is difficult to practice self-compassion and acceptance while we ruminate on past mistakes. Instead of beating ourselves up over mistakes, athletes should work to first acknowledge mistakes, learn from them, and then move on from them.
Take a self-compassion break: Athletes can take a self-compassion break by first thinking of a situation that is causing stress and recognizing it as a moment of suffering. Then, acknowledge the common humanity by telling yourself, “Other people feel this way” or “I am not alone.” Finally, allow yourself to respond with kindness.
Use supportive touch: Sometimes, we need a moment where we can just be proud of ourselves. After a hard workout, give yourself a self-five! We can also show ourselves support by putting a hand on our heart or our cheek, cradling our face in our hands, or giving ourselves a gentle hug.
At Athlete Insight, we offer individual counseling to help athletes work towards self-compassion and acceptance. We help them explore how to be compassionate and accept mistakes and shortcomings on their way to success.
With the right support, athletes can learn how to challenge critical self-talk, process difficult events, and bring out their inner champion.
References
Pelz, B. (2024). The science of accepting yourself and implementing sports and positive psychology in the clinical setting. Journal of Psychology and Neuroscience, 6(3), 1-9.
Röthlin, P., Horvath, S., & Birrer, D. (2019). Go soft or go home? A scoping review of empirical studies on the role of self-compassion in the competitive sport setting. Current Issues in Sport Science, 4, 1-14.